This is the first Thanksgiving that I can remember EVER that I haven't been home with my family. Last year's Thanksgiving trip home was a welcome relief from the overall shock of my introduction to the quaint town of Kirksville (which I am love with now...) But with all the extra bills and expenses that have come up and all the looming expenses of the move next year, we found it prudent to try Thanksgiving out on our own this year. I was okay with the idea until this morning when I woke up to the reality that for the first time in my life this little home-body would not be home for Thanksgiving, surrounded by the family and friends who I've spent my life loving.
Luckily we have a great group of friends here in the Ville' who are in similar situations. We are all going to come together for a fabulous Thanksgiving feast at the chapel this afternoon. I'm really excited about it. Every year as a tradition my mom places five kernels of corn at each place setting, and before we feast, we each go around the table and state the things that we are grateful for. I am aware that trying to get the large group of people to wait quietly and listen today as we each take a go at stating the things we are grateful for is a sheer impossibility, so I thought I would take this opportunity to list the things that I am most grateful for.
1. I am grateful so much to know who I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me perfectly and an omnipotent Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave His life so that I can live with Him eternally one day.
2. I am grateful for a living prophet, President Hinckly. I am so grateful for his inspired vision, leadership, and direction. I am grateful for his emphasis on the building and attending of temples, and the fact that I know that my family can be forever because of the covenants we are able to make in these sacred temples. I am grateful that under Pres. Hinckley's inspired vision the Nauvoo temple was rebuilt, and that I now have the opportunity to live just two hours away from it so we can attend it often and feel of the peace that is there as a welcome refuge from the world. I am grateful for President Hinckly's inspired words in General Conference this past October. His words on anger and forgiveness have found a welcome place in my troubled heart as of late, and I feel that his words were meant just for me (http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-23,00.html). I love him and am grateful for all the sacrifices he has made to lead and guide us today.
3. I am grateful for my sweet Andrew. We were married for time and all eternity in the Idaho Falls Temple August 15, 2002. Five years later, I am more sure than I've ever been that the choice I made to marry him and live the life we are living is the best thing that I have ever done. He completes me and makes me whole. Like two puzzle pieces, we are so very different, but we compliment each other perfectly and I am so grateful to my loving Heavenly Father for giving me him forever. He is so patient- so kind- such a hard worker- such a great friend- such a perfect father. I admire him, respect him, and love him so much. Everyone who knows Andrew loves him-- for good reason-- he is sincerely the nicest most genuine person I have ever known and I learn so much from him every day.
4. I am so grateful to be a mother who knows (http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-27,00.html) . I am so grateful for my three little angels. They are mine and Andrew's everything and we feel so blessed to be the shepherds of their precious spirits. Being their mother is the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done. I've never felt so unfit for a challenge as I have down this road. This is not because my kids are not model children-- in spite of my feeble attempts-- they really are. But I find myself so often completely baffled at the complexity of the job of motherhood. It is so challenging, but SO rewarding and I am so grateful for the guidance of the spirit to lead, guide, and direct me down this road.
5. I am grateful for my sweet Noah. He is the smartest little friend I've ever had. At four years old, he has such a firm grasp on the complexities of the universe and daily teaches me the simple truths that adults the world over struggle to comprehend. When the specialists marveled at the healing of our Benjamin's little heart this spring, it was Noah who bravely told them that what they could not understand was a gift from God. "He heard my prayers and He answered them", he matter-of-factly told our baffled doctors. Just the other day when I was a little bummed after Andrew left for another long night of studying, it was Noah who perceptively came and pulled his chair up to the sink where I was washing the dishes. "You know mom", he said, "it's a good thing that we have each other forever because it makes me feel less sad when daddy leaves." Wow-- where did he learn that? Just this last Monday was a stressful day for our little family. My sweet grandmother had heart surgery, my uncle was having a brain tumor operated on, and my brother in law was getting his tonsils out. With so much to think about, I found myself a little distracted during the day. While reading nap time stories with my kids, I had paused for a moment to think. Noah put his hand on mine and sweetly asked, "Hey mom, are you worried about our big day"? I told him that I was a little worried, but mostly I just had faith. "That's good," said my little four year old, "because faith means hope and hope is such a happy thing, isn't it mom!" He then gave my hand a squeeze and turned over to go to sleep. I love him so much and I am so grateful to my God for sending precious Noah to me. His is my helper, my friend, my little ball of energy. I feel so blessed to be his mother, and so honored to be his friend.
6. I am so grateful for my precious little Emmaline. She is so tiny, so petite, but she is bursting with energy and attitude and she keeps this mama in line. She is so kind and sincere, but she is also a force to reckon with. She is my little artist as of late and makes the most interesting little pieces of art wherever she is. My couch was the most recent addition to her list of masterpieces. She is very perceptive and can instinctively tell when something she has done doesn't please me. She is lucky that she is so darn cute because she most often gets me from ready to kill her to ready to hug her with a sweet smile and her high-pitched "sorry mommy". She is the sweetest little pixie of a child and I am so grateful that she is mine-- ruined couch and all.
7. I am without adequate words to express the incredible amount of gratitude I feel in my heart for the opportunity to have my little Benjamin in my home to hold and to love whenever I want to. Andrew often warns me that I am spoiling him- and I know that it is true. But I honestly have no way of resisting his sweet smile or his adorable cry. Watching him completely helpless during his first weeks of life-- unable to hold or to comfort him-- was the hardest thing I've ever done. But he made it--we made it-- and I am so grateful every day to be his mother. Although I never thought I would say it-- I am grateful that I had the chance to slow down and really think about what mattered most to be during the time he was sick. Although I would still do anything to take away the pain he was in, I am immeasurably grateful for the ability I have to be his mother. The simple pleasures-- from changing his diaper to rocking him to sleep-- are so much more intense for me because I felt the anguish of facing the fact that all of that could have been lost so easily. I find myself at night grateful to be picking up behind my children, because the messy playroom means that they had been there, happy and playing. I know it sounds corny, but I am so grateful for the health and well being of my babies, and I am grateful for the opportunity I had this year to let my heart become more susceptible to feelings of thanks and gratitude for the gift of motherhood and all it entails.
8. I am so grateful for the Book of Mormon. It is the most incredible book I have ever read. As I read it daily, peace fills my life. Things that seemed big and overwhelming become small and manageable. Things come into perspective. I learn more and more and grow each time I read it. This book truly is another testament that Jesus Christ lives. Hand in hand with the Bible it shows the way to live a good life now so that one day when this life is just a distant memory-- we can meet our Savior face to face and he can say, "well done". Until that day I will continue to read from its sweet passages. It is real, it is true, and I am so grateful that it is mine. If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it. You can get a free copy at http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/the-restoration-of-truth/the-book-of-mormon
There are so many more things that I am grateful for. I am grateful for my family: my mother and father, my sisters and brothers, my incredible extended family. I am grateful for my amazing friends... from Idaho, from BYU, from BYU-I, from Axiom and Covey, and from here in Kirksville. God has blessed me to live a life constantly surrounded by people who I love and I am so grateful to Him every day for this incredible gift. I am grateful for my home, for my many belongings, for a car that runs, for wonderful neighbors and for incredible opportunities. I am grateful to be given the opportunity to serve and to share. I love being the children's music leader in my church. It is one of the funnest, most fulfilling things I've ever done. I love the children so much and I feel so grateful to teach them every week. I am thankful for music. I am thankful for good books and good magazines. I am thankful for my computer and for the internet. I am thankful for energy- for heat, for plumbing, and for a crock pot and freezer. I am thankful for my Cocoa Latte machine and think I would be utterly lost without it. I am thankful for ice water, diet Pepsi, caramel chocolate, vanilla bean gelato, Grandma Harper's chocolate chippers, and Grandma Harding's creamy rice pudding. I am thankful for steak and potatoes. I am thankful for bleach. I am thankful for my Franklin. I am thankful for Muji pens. I am thankful for my camera and thankful for vacations. I could go on and on forever (those of you who know me best know how sadly true this is...)
I am grateful for my life. I thank God for each and every moment He had given me to live on His beautiful earth, and I pray that I will live to love and to serve until the day when Christ comes again. I know that as the prophets have testified, He will come again to reign personally on this earth, and I pray that I will be here to be a part of that wonderful, blessed day when all the hate and envy and strife will cease and we call all live again in peace and love. I am so grateful. My heart feels like it could burst.
I am thankful for a mother who has taught me to be truly grateful for the things I have; to use my possessions and my talents to be better. It is because of her that I am so full of gratitude today, and I will love her forever for her wisdom and her love. Thank you mom. I know it will be hard, but try to have fun without me!
Happy Thanksgiving!
11.22.2007
11.20.2007
Sweet Nothing
So- today I woke up late. I mean really late. We're talking 9 am. I don't think I've pulled that off in years. I woke up to the sweet sound of... well... NOTHING. Silence. No screaming baby. No fighting toddlers. No 4 am alarm for my study-hubby.... nothing. It was so peaceful at first. But then when I had woken up to realize that the sun was shining in my window, my husband was gone, and the house was silent-- I PANICKED!!!! Where were my children? Where was my husband? What in the world was going on. I am usually the one to wake up with the kids. I take the lions share of the night wakings as well because Andrew needs the sleep more than I do, and I'm a night owl anyway. I take the mornings because Andrew is often out the door before the kids even wake up. So waking up to a silent house with no kids and no husband was alarming to say the least. I threw on my robe and ran into the kids room. It was empty. My heart was beating so hard it felt like it would jump right out of my chest at any second. I ran to the kitchen and saw evidence of breakfast eaten... I looked at the clock and saw that it was 9 am. 9 AM! I did a double take just to be sure my tired eyes weren't playing tricks on me. And then, I heard it. Little voices laughing. I walked to the playroom at the front of the house where I found my husband playing with my three little angels on the ground. They were having the time of their lives. Noah looked almost disappointed to see me up. "Did we wake you, mommy?"
My sweet Andrew had given up one of his vacation mornings to get up with the babies and make it a point to let me sleep until I woke up on my own. I could have just kissed him. "Did you sleep well"? he asked. I thought about it. In my little panic I had not even stopped to realize that I was awake, and it was morning, and I was not tired. Wow. So-- I ambled back to the kitchen to fire up the beloved Cocoa Latte machine and grabbed my to-do list off the fridge. I love my lists. I walked back into the playroom to find Andrew and the kids still playing on the ground. I tried to read my list to Andrew so that we could make our plan. But he just ignored me and kept on playing. I was a little annoyed and was about ready to say as much when he tackled me. That's right, a full on tackle. I was stunned and amazed and ANGRY!!! But, the kids took this as their cue and piled on top of me. We spent the next ten minutes just wrestling on the ground. This, of course, escalated into a pillow war, which was followed by a long period of sitting on the floor doing-- you guessed it-- NOTHING!
So- if you were to ask me what I did this morning. The answer would be nothing. Usually that word would make my skin crawl-- my guilty conscience flare. Usually I HATE doing nothing. Usually my husband good heartedly goes along with my list after list, smiling all the time. But not this morning. He knew we needed a break-- I needed a break-- and he made it happen. I love that guy. If I could marry him again right now, I would do it. He makes my life wonderful and exciting and he treats me MUCH better than I deserve to be treated.
Thank you for a great morning sweetie. I loved playing with you and the kids and getting nothing "important" done. It was the best, most important morning I have had in a long, long time. Thank you for letting me wake up to nothing. Thank you for letting me get nothing done. Thank you for nothing. Sweet nothing. I needed it so much!
My sweet Andrew had given up one of his vacation mornings to get up with the babies and make it a point to let me sleep until I woke up on my own. I could have just kissed him. "Did you sleep well"? he asked. I thought about it. In my little panic I had not even stopped to realize that I was awake, and it was morning, and I was not tired. Wow. So-- I ambled back to the kitchen to fire up the beloved Cocoa Latte machine and grabbed my to-do list off the fridge. I love my lists. I walked back into the playroom to find Andrew and the kids still playing on the ground. I tried to read my list to Andrew so that we could make our plan. But he just ignored me and kept on playing. I was a little annoyed and was about ready to say as much when he tackled me. That's right, a full on tackle. I was stunned and amazed and ANGRY!!! But, the kids took this as their cue and piled on top of me. We spent the next ten minutes just wrestling on the ground. This, of course, escalated into a pillow war, which was followed by a long period of sitting on the floor doing-- you guessed it-- NOTHING!
So- if you were to ask me what I did this morning. The answer would be nothing. Usually that word would make my skin crawl-- my guilty conscience flare. Usually I HATE doing nothing. Usually my husband good heartedly goes along with my list after list, smiling all the time. But not this morning. He knew we needed a break-- I needed a break-- and he made it happen. I love that guy. If I could marry him again right now, I would do it. He makes my life wonderful and exciting and he treats me MUCH better than I deserve to be treated.
Thank you for a great morning sweetie. I loved playing with you and the kids and getting nothing "important" done. It was the best, most important morning I have had in a long, long time. Thank you for letting me wake up to nothing. Thank you for letting me get nothing done. Thank you for nothing. Sweet nothing. I needed it so much!
11.15.2007
Shout Out For Break!!!!!!!
This is an official shout out to all of those out there participating in the official countdown-- Just 15 more hours until we have our husbands back... for a week!!!!!! What are your plans for the break?
We are planning Thanksgiving dinner with our friends in the 'Ville! Let us know if you will be here and want to participate!
We are planning a trip to St. Louis with our friends the Fransons! Yea!
We are planning to fall asleep together every night and sleep in every morning... well, fall asleep together every night. Possibly sleeping pill induced! ;)
We are planning to organize our storage room and our craft cupboard.
We are planning to clean under the washer and dryer... gross!
We are planning to get out the Christmas China and the nativity-- which I will want to use immediately and Andrew will insist we wait until December for... he won last year, I'm planning a good offense this year. I'll let you know how that goes!
We are planning to finish Christmas shopping, take our holiday photos, and write our Christmas letters.
We are planning to seriously research Wyandotte, Michigan. Our new home starting next summer.
We are planning to hang out, have fun, and pretty much just enjoy being together.
We are planning to pretend that medical school does not exist and that breaks-over Monday will NEVER come... although I bet you anything that the shiny new board review books will be snuck around with us here are there... I am planning to try and be a good sport about that.
We are planning to have a wonderful time and be thankful that we have it together.
We are planning Thanksgiving dinner with our friends in the 'Ville! Let us know if you will be here and want to participate!
We are planning a trip to St. Louis with our friends the Fransons! Yea!
We are planning to fall asleep together every night and sleep in every morning... well, fall asleep together every night. Possibly sleeping pill induced! ;)
We are planning to organize our storage room and our craft cupboard.
We are planning to clean under the washer and dryer... gross!
We are planning to get out the Christmas China and the nativity-- which I will want to use immediately and Andrew will insist we wait until December for... he won last year, I'm planning a good offense this year. I'll let you know how that goes!
We are planning to finish Christmas shopping, take our holiday photos, and write our Christmas letters.
We are planning to seriously research Wyandotte, Michigan. Our new home starting next summer.
We are planning to hang out, have fun, and pretty much just enjoy being together.
We are planning to pretend that medical school does not exist and that breaks-over Monday will NEVER come... although I bet you anything that the shiny new board review books will be snuck around with us here are there... I am planning to try and be a good sport about that.
We are planning to have a wonderful time and be thankful that we have it together.
11.13.2007
Living Tributes
Life is a such a beautiful, fragile thing. I think that one day when this life is all over and the test is finished, we will look back at it and realize that although it seems so long right now... it really was just as short as the blink of an eye. I think that sometimes we get so wrapped up in the moment that we forget that this life is so very, very short... and that this life is a test. Our loving Heavenly Father gave us everything--everything that I have is His. He gave it to me... He can take it away. Everything, that is, except my will. Only my heart-- only my desire-- only the things that define me, that make me who I am-- only that is mine and cannot be taken away. So the test then is to see what I do with my life. Will I give it to Him, or will I follow my own path? The choice seems simple... but down here in the trenches of daily living when I am up to my elbows in diapers and laundry, it is so very easy to lose sight of the things of eternal import, and I often forget. But lately I've been thinking a lot about life and death and the things that matter most. And it all has to do with one of my heroes, grandma Willa.
Early Monday morning I talked to my mom on the phone. She told me that my grandma Willa would be having surgery to replace the device that had been placed in her heart six years ago when we almost lost her. The panic I feel when I think about losing my sweet grandmother is so poignant still, after six years, that just reflecting on it brings tears to my eyes and a panicked feeling to my chest. I remember visiting my dear grandmother in LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City and watching my grandpa Ralph fuss over her-- their love for one another so apparent. I was dating Andrew seriously at the time- but for me marriage seemed a long way off-- something that I would think about once I had taken a lot more time to just be me. Something that I didn't want or need at the time. Grandpa took us out for a meal at Little America. He talked about grandma nearly the entire meal-- reflecting on their love and their marriage and the love and respect he had for her. That night changed forever the way I saw my grandmother and the way I viewed my own life priorities.
In my family we often refer to grandma as "Saint Willa"-- rightfully so--she is a saint. My grandfather was one of the best men I'll ever know-- but he was impulsive, and busy, and often left much of the burden of running a home and raising a family to my grandmother. He led a big life and was involved in big things and made a real difference in the world-- one day I will write all about it-- but this often meant that grandma was left in the wake of all these big things-seemingly a victim of circumstance who gracefully and lovingly went along with his crazy plans because she had to. Never once in my life did I ever see the two of them quarrel-- never once did I hear my grandmother utter an unkind word to or about grandpa-- even when I was sure he deserved it-- but always ALWAYS always she spoke to him and of him with respect, love, and even reverence... and always she was by his side, loving him, looking out for him, defending him.
During the dinner at Little America grandpa spoke of the strong, intelligent, vivacious woman my grandmother is. He told us how her soft words and kind advice were the most important thing in the world to him--that she had always been spot on when it came to giving him direction and advice in everything he had ever done. She had always been his anchor-- the wind beneath his wings-- his most powerful and trusted advisor. He told me that the things in his life that he was most proud of had been her ideas. He spoke of the love and devotion he felt for her and he told me that if I could be the type of woman that she had always been that one day I could be worthy of the type of honor and respect she so gracefully garnered.
For the first time I realized that things were not as they seemed with my grandparents. She did not defer to him because she had to. She did it because she wanted to. And often times I had been wrong when I thought that she was being pushed around or emotionally bullied by my grandfather's strong will-- on the contrary-- she was very much an equal partner in their incredibly loving and strong marriage. Her soft words were much more powerful than anything else could have been. Her strength was her gentleness. Her courage was her kindness. Her love was paramount. I have always loved and honored my grandmother-- but that night she became my hero-- exactly the type of woman I wanted to become and I hoped I could be. She is one of the strongest, most intelligent women I have ever known. One of the best of the best when it comes to mothers- to grandmothers- to friends. She is the type of woman who can wear pearls. She is classy. She is a lady. Everything about her is welcoming and loving. People are naturally attracted to her because she is a window to the love of the Savior. You feel good when you are around her and when you leave her, you want to be better.
Grandma came to look after me following the births of both Noah and Emmaline. What precious times these were. She taught me to nurse my babies-- she taught me how to bathe and swaddle and soothe my babies. She taught me to be a good mother and showed me how to be a good wife. The food that she makes just melts in your mouth and her home is always immaculate. She is the domestic goddess to top them all-- but she is also one of the most humble and compassionate people you will ever know. Even in the most trying of times I have never seen her frazzled or ruffled. She is others centered and she is giving. She is the image of perfection.
Following the death of my grandpa Ralph just over a year ago we packed the car and we rushed home as fast as our van could carry us. Extreme stress has always given me ulcers and cold sores-- and when we arrived in Idaho 22 hours after we had received the news of Grandpa's death I was already feeling the pain of both. When we arrived at grandma's house all she could do was to fuss over my family and look after our needs-- she took me back to her bathroom and gave me the expensive lip ointment that she had been using over the past day to fend off the sores that she too got when under stress. I felt an odd connection to her as I noticed our identical sores and my heart just broke for her as I took the pain I was feeling and knew that although our physical ailments were the same, our emotional pain was nothing even remotely similar. Although I felt that I was dying inside, her pain must have been multiplied infinitely-- and yet her priority at that moment was to care for and look after my children and me. She is a carer, a lover, a giver. She is everything I imagine my Heavenly Mother to be. Everything I know our Savior is. Everything I want to become.
Grandma Willa taught me to be a powerful influence for good. Following the death of my father we spent a lot of time in my grandmothers home and I watched her day after day looking after and caring for those around her--especially my grieving mother and her emotionally scarred children. I don't think I can count how many times I watched grandma take a meal to a friend in need, or make a call to someone who could use a friend. People love and trust grandma Willa because she is inherently good. They want her advice, they follow her lead. I don't know that I can recall how many times I heard her lift and bless and testify of Christ to those who needed Him most-- myself included. In her loving, kind, unobtrusive way she was a giver-- a doer. I am amazed at her goodness and her love and I know that my life is as good as it is in a very large part due to the many, many prayers she has offered in my behalf. In my darkest hours I have always felt the strength of her faith and her love. I honor her and I bless her and I love her so very much.
One of the biggest regrets that I have in losing my dad and my grandfather is that I never told either of them how much I loved and admired them-- they never knew what they meant to me; how their lives had shaped and affected me. They didn't know because I never told anybody-- especially them-- how I felt. I have never been good with words when it comes to letting people know how I really feel inside. I always chicken out in the moment and later regret it--- but this time I am not going to make the mistake that I will later regret.
So grandma, I am telling you here and now that I love you. I want the whole wide world to know that you are my hero. I admire you. It is because of you that anything that is good about me is good. You have taught me so much more than you may ever know, and I think of you so very often because the life I am trying to build is a model of the life I have watched you live. You were the mother to my mother, and I will forever be grateful for the woman you raised her to be. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for making me your granddaughter grandma and I will love and honor you forever.
Yes, life is a beautiful, fragile thing-- and it is far too short. It is a test. A test which grandma Willa passed years ago-- but thankfully she keeps hanging on because her life makes a great difference to those who surround her. She is loved by everyone who knows her-- admired by people near and far. She is the very essence of Christlike behavior and love-- and I love her so very much.
I am grateful for the moments of clarity that situations like this afford-- and although I am not ready for grandma to move on, I know that when she does everything will be okay. Not only because she will then be reunited in what I imagine to be the happiest of all the reunions that heaven has ever witnessed-- but because she will undoubtedly be able to look her Savior in the eye and know that her life made a significant difference to all those who have been blessed to be a part of it. She has passed the test.
So grandma, good luck on your surgery on Monday. Andrew and I and our children will be praying for you. And don't worry- we've learned from you exactly what to do in a situation like this-- your name is already on the prayer roll in Nauvoo and St. Louis and I've already purchased your get well card! Even though I am lost at the thought of losing you, I will have faith and know that all will be well come what may now or in the future. But let's shoot for the future, okay! And grandma-- I'll see you soon. Maybe for Christmas if we can figure things out to get home. In the meantime, I will be here-- loving and honoring you. Thank you for your life. Thank you for your love. Thank you for my mother. Thank you for my faith. I love you. And I thank God that I've had this opportunity to tell you in so many words before it is too late.
To anyone who may have persevered through this incredibly long post-- may I encourage you to let those who you love and admire know it now. Or you may never get the opportunity to, and trust me, you will regret it.
Early Monday morning I talked to my mom on the phone. She told me that my grandma Willa would be having surgery to replace the device that had been placed in her heart six years ago when we almost lost her. The panic I feel when I think about losing my sweet grandmother is so poignant still, after six years, that just reflecting on it brings tears to my eyes and a panicked feeling to my chest. I remember visiting my dear grandmother in LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City and watching my grandpa Ralph fuss over her-- their love for one another so apparent. I was dating Andrew seriously at the time- but for me marriage seemed a long way off-- something that I would think about once I had taken a lot more time to just be me. Something that I didn't want or need at the time. Grandpa took us out for a meal at Little America. He talked about grandma nearly the entire meal-- reflecting on their love and their marriage and the love and respect he had for her. That night changed forever the way I saw my grandmother and the way I viewed my own life priorities.
In my family we often refer to grandma as "Saint Willa"-- rightfully so--she is a saint. My grandfather was one of the best men I'll ever know-- but he was impulsive, and busy, and often left much of the burden of running a home and raising a family to my grandmother. He led a big life and was involved in big things and made a real difference in the world-- one day I will write all about it-- but this often meant that grandma was left in the wake of all these big things-seemingly a victim of circumstance who gracefully and lovingly went along with his crazy plans because she had to. Never once in my life did I ever see the two of them quarrel-- never once did I hear my grandmother utter an unkind word to or about grandpa-- even when I was sure he deserved it-- but always ALWAYS always she spoke to him and of him with respect, love, and even reverence... and always she was by his side, loving him, looking out for him, defending him.
During the dinner at Little America grandpa spoke of the strong, intelligent, vivacious woman my grandmother is. He told us how her soft words and kind advice were the most important thing in the world to him--that she had always been spot on when it came to giving him direction and advice in everything he had ever done. She had always been his anchor-- the wind beneath his wings-- his most powerful and trusted advisor. He told me that the things in his life that he was most proud of had been her ideas. He spoke of the love and devotion he felt for her and he told me that if I could be the type of woman that she had always been that one day I could be worthy of the type of honor and respect she so gracefully garnered.
For the first time I realized that things were not as they seemed with my grandparents. She did not defer to him because she had to. She did it because she wanted to. And often times I had been wrong when I thought that she was being pushed around or emotionally bullied by my grandfather's strong will-- on the contrary-- she was very much an equal partner in their incredibly loving and strong marriage. Her soft words were much more powerful than anything else could have been. Her strength was her gentleness. Her courage was her kindness. Her love was paramount. I have always loved and honored my grandmother-- but that night she became my hero-- exactly the type of woman I wanted to become and I hoped I could be. She is one of the strongest, most intelligent women I have ever known. One of the best of the best when it comes to mothers- to grandmothers- to friends. She is the type of woman who can wear pearls. She is classy. She is a lady. Everything about her is welcoming and loving. People are naturally attracted to her because she is a window to the love of the Savior. You feel good when you are around her and when you leave her, you want to be better.
Grandma came to look after me following the births of both Noah and Emmaline. What precious times these were. She taught me to nurse my babies-- she taught me how to bathe and swaddle and soothe my babies. She taught me to be a good mother and showed me how to be a good wife. The food that she makes just melts in your mouth and her home is always immaculate. She is the domestic goddess to top them all-- but she is also one of the most humble and compassionate people you will ever know. Even in the most trying of times I have never seen her frazzled or ruffled. She is others centered and she is giving. She is the image of perfection.
Following the death of my grandpa Ralph just over a year ago we packed the car and we rushed home as fast as our van could carry us. Extreme stress has always given me ulcers and cold sores-- and when we arrived in Idaho 22 hours after we had received the news of Grandpa's death I was already feeling the pain of both. When we arrived at grandma's house all she could do was to fuss over my family and look after our needs-- she took me back to her bathroom and gave me the expensive lip ointment that she had been using over the past day to fend off the sores that she too got when under stress. I felt an odd connection to her as I noticed our identical sores and my heart just broke for her as I took the pain I was feeling and knew that although our physical ailments were the same, our emotional pain was nothing even remotely similar. Although I felt that I was dying inside, her pain must have been multiplied infinitely-- and yet her priority at that moment was to care for and look after my children and me. She is a carer, a lover, a giver. She is everything I imagine my Heavenly Mother to be. Everything I know our Savior is. Everything I want to become.
Grandma Willa taught me to be a powerful influence for good. Following the death of my father we spent a lot of time in my grandmothers home and I watched her day after day looking after and caring for those around her--especially my grieving mother and her emotionally scarred children. I don't think I can count how many times I watched grandma take a meal to a friend in need, or make a call to someone who could use a friend. People love and trust grandma Willa because she is inherently good. They want her advice, they follow her lead. I don't know that I can recall how many times I heard her lift and bless and testify of Christ to those who needed Him most-- myself included. In her loving, kind, unobtrusive way she was a giver-- a doer. I am amazed at her goodness and her love and I know that my life is as good as it is in a very large part due to the many, many prayers she has offered in my behalf. In my darkest hours I have always felt the strength of her faith and her love. I honor her and I bless her and I love her so very much.
One of the biggest regrets that I have in losing my dad and my grandfather is that I never told either of them how much I loved and admired them-- they never knew what they meant to me; how their lives had shaped and affected me. They didn't know because I never told anybody-- especially them-- how I felt. I have never been good with words when it comes to letting people know how I really feel inside. I always chicken out in the moment and later regret it--- but this time I am not going to make the mistake that I will later regret.
So grandma, I am telling you here and now that I love you. I want the whole wide world to know that you are my hero. I admire you. It is because of you that anything that is good about me is good. You have taught me so much more than you may ever know, and I think of you so very often because the life I am trying to build is a model of the life I have watched you live. You were the mother to my mother, and I will forever be grateful for the woman you raised her to be. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for making me your granddaughter grandma and I will love and honor you forever.
Yes, life is a beautiful, fragile thing-- and it is far too short. It is a test. A test which grandma Willa passed years ago-- but thankfully she keeps hanging on because her life makes a great difference to those who surround her. She is loved by everyone who knows her-- admired by people near and far. She is the very essence of Christlike behavior and love-- and I love her so very much.
I am grateful for the moments of clarity that situations like this afford-- and although I am not ready for grandma to move on, I know that when she does everything will be okay. Not only because she will then be reunited in what I imagine to be the happiest of all the reunions that heaven has ever witnessed-- but because she will undoubtedly be able to look her Savior in the eye and know that her life made a significant difference to all those who have been blessed to be a part of it. She has passed the test.
So grandma, good luck on your surgery on Monday. Andrew and I and our children will be praying for you. And don't worry- we've learned from you exactly what to do in a situation like this-- your name is already on the prayer roll in Nauvoo and St. Louis and I've already purchased your get well card! Even though I am lost at the thought of losing you, I will have faith and know that all will be well come what may now or in the future. But let's shoot for the future, okay! And grandma-- I'll see you soon. Maybe for Christmas if we can figure things out to get home. In the meantime, I will be here-- loving and honoring you. Thank you for your life. Thank you for your love. Thank you for my mother. Thank you for my faith. I love you. And I thank God that I've had this opportunity to tell you in so many words before it is too late.
To anyone who may have persevered through this incredibly long post-- may I encourage you to let those who you love and admire know it now. Or you may never get the opportunity to, and trust me, you will regret it.
11.11.2007
A Better Life
I'm a big Keith Urban fan. I love his upbeat music. Most of it is pretty mindless, but it's got a catchy modern feel and let's just be honest... what Idaho girl doesn't just love a good country tune? Tonight was a little hard for me. This is due-- in a very large part-- to the fact that I am a big fat baby. Finals weeks is upon us in full swing and Andrew has been up to his eyebrows studying for what has seemed like an eternity. I miss him. I miss him a lot. He is my best friend-- the one I want to curl up with, to hang out with, to just be with-- and I MISS HIM!!! Not only physically, but mentally too. I miss my husband. Andrew is not a habitual Sunday studier-- he avoided it completely during the first year and this year has avoided it when he could. But for the third week in a row he has reluctantly had to head out to the library to hit the books on what is supposed to be our day of rest. And dang it-- we could use a rest. I feel bad for the poor guy, but I am ashamed to say I feel bad for me too. We all need a break from this crazy road we call medical school and I do not hesitate to say that this week will not end soon enough.
But I digress. I don't typically listen to non-church music on Sundays- but tonight when he hit the road to hit the books I'll admit that I felt a little rebellious and decided to crank up the tunes while doing the Sunday dishes alone in a lame effort to drown out the fact that I wish my husband could stay with me tonight. So I fired up the old CD player and shoved in the first CD I could grab and- what do you know- good old Keith-e-poo was filling my room with a tune that really hit home-- here are the lyrics:
Friday night and the moon is high
I'm wide-awake just watchin' you sleep
And I promise you you're gonna have
More than just the things that you need
We ain't got much now, We're just startin' out
But I know somehow paradise is comin'
Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life
Oh now there's a place for you and me
Where we can dream as big as the sky
I know it's hard to see it now
But baby someday we're gonna fly
This road we're on, you know it might be long
But my faith is strong
It's all that really matters
Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life
Hey we're gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see
We're headed for a better life, you and me
We're gonna break the chains that bind and, finally we'll be free
We're gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me
Just hold on tight now baby
We're headed for a better life
So... this one is going out to you Andrew. I miss you babe. I miss the carefree days when the weekends were ours. I miss the days when we could snuggle all night and wake up late to a cup of hot chocolate and play phase ten all afternoon. I miss cooking together. I miss walking lazily-- headed nowhere-- hand in hand. I miss grocery shopping together. I miss just doing nothing-- together. I miss you. I miss us.
But fifth quarter is coming to an end-- and I think we can make it. I thought that last year would never end, but in retrospect it really did fly by. We can do this. We can make it. Just hold on tight babe-- we're headed for a better life.
A shout out to all of you doing this medical school thing too--- five more days and Thanksgiving break will be upon us. And hey-- at least we will have another thing to be REALLY TRULY grateful for this year! Add a feather to my thankful turkey, baby. Break times a comin'!
But I digress. I don't typically listen to non-church music on Sundays- but tonight when he hit the road to hit the books I'll admit that I felt a little rebellious and decided to crank up the tunes while doing the Sunday dishes alone in a lame effort to drown out the fact that I wish my husband could stay with me tonight. So I fired up the old CD player and shoved in the first CD I could grab and- what do you know- good old Keith-e-poo was filling my room with a tune that really hit home-- here are the lyrics:
Friday night and the moon is high
I'm wide-awake just watchin' you sleep
And I promise you you're gonna have
More than just the things that you need
We ain't got much now, We're just startin' out
But I know somehow paradise is comin'
Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life
Oh now there's a place for you and me
Where we can dream as big as the sky
I know it's hard to see it now
But baby someday we're gonna fly
This road we're on, you know it might be long
But my faith is strong
It's all that really matters
Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life
Hey we're gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see
We're headed for a better life, you and me
We're gonna break the chains that bind and, finally we'll be free
We're gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me
Just hold on tight now baby
We're headed for a better life
So... this one is going out to you Andrew. I miss you babe. I miss the carefree days when the weekends were ours. I miss the days when we could snuggle all night and wake up late to a cup of hot chocolate and play phase ten all afternoon. I miss cooking together. I miss walking lazily-- headed nowhere-- hand in hand. I miss grocery shopping together. I miss just doing nothing-- together. I miss you. I miss us.
But fifth quarter is coming to an end-- and I think we can make it. I thought that last year would never end, but in retrospect it really did fly by. We can do this. We can make it. Just hold on tight babe-- we're headed for a better life.
A shout out to all of you doing this medical school thing too--- five more days and Thanksgiving break will be upon us. And hey-- at least we will have another thing to be REALLY TRULY grateful for this year! Add a feather to my thankful turkey, baby. Break times a comin'!
11.10.2007
Going Once, Going Twice...
Tonight was a fabulous night. It was spent in the company of some of the most incredible women I have ever met at the SAA November Social- Service Auction! We laughed, we talked, and we bid bid bid!!! It was comparable on the kicks and giggles scale to a quality ebay bidding experience. That is saying a lot because I LOVE ebay. Why? I'll be honest. I think even more than the fact that the shopping here in Kirksville is not always as diverse as I would hope... it is the thrill of the chase that the ebay shopping experience includes that keeps me coming back for more time and time again.
The ebay auction experience is just quality from beginning to end. You start by perusing the web retailers until you find exactly the item that you have been looking for, bargain shop around online comparing prices from store to store--even checking out recently completed auctions on ebay-- and then zero in on a few of the coveted items on ebay being auctioned by reputable sellers at a mere fraction of the cost. Equally sweet is the fact that everything on ebay comes through the mail so you get to experience the agony of the wait and the thrill of the mail delivery that is difficult to match. But unarguably it is the last few minutes of the auction which are always the best. I have been known to be so very lame as to set alarms for myself during the day or night to remind me to finish out the last few minutes of the auction I am currently obsessing over live. I've more than once won an auction with a bid placed with mere seconds remaining on the clock. Those ones are always the best. I get an adrenalin rush just thinking about it. The deals you can get are incredible on ebay... especially if you do your research and are willing to wait for the right thing at the right price to come along. So yes, I am an ebay-o-holic and tonight's auction experience was a great fix for my little addiction. But tonight's auction had one distinct advantage. At the end of the month it will not be just one more thing on the bank statement that I will find myself somewhat regretting.
This is how it worked: everyone brought a couple of items or services to donate. I brought a fresh loaf of my organic whole grain bread with a coupon for a loaf every week for a month (thank you sweet Rebecca for your delectable recipe and fantastic auction idea!), one of my super-cute bebe*burp burp cloths ( http://www.bebeburps.blogspot.com), and a two hour session of life coaching for an individual or couple using the Covey system for values clarification, mission statement setup, and time management skills. I'm honestly not sure whether I got more of a high off of actually winning my coveted auctions or watching others bid on the things I had brought-- but I was sailing high all night long.
We earned our bidding points by answering questions on a little quiz that awarded points based on what you had done lately that was good-- like making your bed, exercising, shaving your legs (missed that one...), knowing how to change a tire (oh, and that one too...), etc. We even got points for how many diapers we had changed today or times we had nursed a baby during the day. I can honestly say that I was actually thankful for a moment for the cute little stinky bottoms that I see a little too often each day and for the tiger-fanged little Benjamin who is a nursing fiend. It passed quickly, but gratitude I did feel if but for a brief moment in time!
We all got a chance to check out the merchandise before the bidding frenzy began. In true Ruth form I made a list of things that I would like to bid on and then prioritized them according to how badly I wanted them. I was most interested in the services that I admire in my friends: Debbie's photo editing skills, Tasheena's beautiful tapestries, Lisa's baking skills, April's swimming lessons, Alyson's piano lessons... the list went on and on. It was difficult to narrow it down- but I did. At the top of my list was help in making a quilt from my dear friend Melissa. I've been wanting to do this for a while, and I am so grateful that she offered this in the auction because now I won't feel quite as guilty in taking her up on the offer to teach me!
The bidding started and I was floored by the energy in the room. My sweet friend Rachel had arranged with two incredible professional auctioneers to do the auction pro-bono which really set a great tone for the event. It was exciting and thrilling and I found myself tempted to bid on things not even on my list just because it was so darn exciting to do it. But, I refrained. I saved my points until Melissa's auction came up, and I enthusiastically bid again and again (and possibly stared down the competition with all of the bad-sportsmen-like behavior I could muster)... and was able to score the prize with 19 points to spare. 310 points for the quilting experience of my dreams. Worth every diaper-- every middle-of-the-night nursing-- and every last vegetable choked down to get there!!!
With only 19 points remaining one might worry that my excitement and enthusiasm might have wavered. But don't fret--it didn't. The rest of the auction was a hoot. I loved watching my friends compete for their coveted prizes. I loved learning more about people by the things that they bid on and the way that they bid. All in all, I had a blast. The $1 bill auctioned by my hilarious friend Tara that I got with 15 of my remaining 19 points was just icing on the cake. Hey-- I even left with 4 points remaining. Talk about provident living!
Anyway... what a great night. So much work was put into it and I am so grateful to sweet Rachel for putting it all together-- to the awesome auctioneers for giving of their time and talents so freely-- to the kind Truman sorority girls who volunteered to watch all the kids for free for the night so they wouldn't have to witness their mommies gone wild-- and to all of my friends for making what could have been just another finals-week-widow-pity-party of an evening into a night that I just may never forget. Going, going.... I was gone!
The ebay auction experience is just quality from beginning to end. You start by perusing the web retailers until you find exactly the item that you have been looking for, bargain shop around online comparing prices from store to store--even checking out recently completed auctions on ebay-- and then zero in on a few of the coveted items on ebay being auctioned by reputable sellers at a mere fraction of the cost. Equally sweet is the fact that everything on ebay comes through the mail so you get to experience the agony of the wait and the thrill of the mail delivery that is difficult to match. But unarguably it is the last few minutes of the auction which are always the best. I have been known to be so very lame as to set alarms for myself during the day or night to remind me to finish out the last few minutes of the auction I am currently obsessing over live. I've more than once won an auction with a bid placed with mere seconds remaining on the clock. Those ones are always the best. I get an adrenalin rush just thinking about it. The deals you can get are incredible on ebay... especially if you do your research and are willing to wait for the right thing at the right price to come along. So yes, I am an ebay-o-holic and tonight's auction experience was a great fix for my little addiction. But tonight's auction had one distinct advantage. At the end of the month it will not be just one more thing on the bank statement that I will find myself somewhat regretting.
This is how it worked: everyone brought a couple of items or services to donate. I brought a fresh loaf of my organic whole grain bread with a coupon for a loaf every week for a month (thank you sweet Rebecca for your delectable recipe and fantastic auction idea!), one of my super-cute bebe*burp burp cloths ( http://www.bebeburps.blogspot.com), and a two hour session of life coaching for an individual or couple using the Covey system for values clarification, mission statement setup, and time management skills. I'm honestly not sure whether I got more of a high off of actually winning my coveted auctions or watching others bid on the things I had brought-- but I was sailing high all night long.
We earned our bidding points by answering questions on a little quiz that awarded points based on what you had done lately that was good-- like making your bed, exercising, shaving your legs (missed that one...), knowing how to change a tire (oh, and that one too...), etc. We even got points for how many diapers we had changed today or times we had nursed a baby during the day. I can honestly say that I was actually thankful for a moment for the cute little stinky bottoms that I see a little too often each day and for the tiger-fanged little Benjamin who is a nursing fiend. It passed quickly, but gratitude I did feel if but for a brief moment in time!
We all got a chance to check out the merchandise before the bidding frenzy began. In true Ruth form I made a list of things that I would like to bid on and then prioritized them according to how badly I wanted them. I was most interested in the services that I admire in my friends: Debbie's photo editing skills, Tasheena's beautiful tapestries, Lisa's baking skills, April's swimming lessons, Alyson's piano lessons... the list went on and on. It was difficult to narrow it down- but I did. At the top of my list was help in making a quilt from my dear friend Melissa. I've been wanting to do this for a while, and I am so grateful that she offered this in the auction because now I won't feel quite as guilty in taking her up on the offer to teach me!
The bidding started and I was floored by the energy in the room. My sweet friend Rachel had arranged with two incredible professional auctioneers to do the auction pro-bono which really set a great tone for the event. It was exciting and thrilling and I found myself tempted to bid on things not even on my list just because it was so darn exciting to do it. But, I refrained. I saved my points until Melissa's auction came up, and I enthusiastically bid again and again (and possibly stared down the competition with all of the bad-sportsmen-like behavior I could muster)... and was able to score the prize with 19 points to spare. 310 points for the quilting experience of my dreams. Worth every diaper-- every middle-of-the-night nursing-- and every last vegetable choked down to get there!!!
With only 19 points remaining one might worry that my excitement and enthusiasm might have wavered. But don't fret--it didn't. The rest of the auction was a hoot. I loved watching my friends compete for their coveted prizes. I loved learning more about people by the things that they bid on and the way that they bid. All in all, I had a blast. The $1 bill auctioned by my hilarious friend Tara that I got with 15 of my remaining 19 points was just icing on the cake. Hey-- I even left with 4 points remaining. Talk about provident living!
Anyway... what a great night. So much work was put into it and I am so grateful to sweet Rachel for putting it all together-- to the awesome auctioneers for giving of their time and talents so freely-- to the kind Truman sorority girls who volunteered to watch all the kids for free for the night so they wouldn't have to witness their mommies gone wild-- and to all of my friends for making what could have been just another finals-week-widow-pity-party of an evening into a night that I just may never forget. Going, going.... I was gone!
11.07.2007
An Interesting Fall Morning With Baby Thoreau
This morning was interesting. We woke up at the crack of dawn to find Andrew already gone... another big test today (good luck honey! ;) Looking at this pillow I don't think he even made it to bed last night, again. I will not miss fifth quarter at all when it's over. We made Erin's amazing blender pancakes and then snuggled for a while on the couch reading and giggling until we realized that we only had about ten minutes to finish getting ready and out the door before Noah's preschool would START!!! So, in a quick flurry we threw things together and got out the door. We were thrilled to find that the leaves had started to fall en-mass from the beautiful trees that surround our home. It was magical and for a split second I found myself seriously considering keeping Noah home with us all morning just to watch the leaves fall. I didn't of course, but we did enjoy watching the falling leaves all the way to school and back. When we got home we dashed to the front porch and sat on our wicker bench to continue to watch them fall. It was serene and wonderful and I decided that in spite of the cold, I really do love Autumn. I was so surprised when my giggly Ben started to fuss when I realized that I had let half an hour slip away snuggling on the porch and the children I babysit were going to be there soon and the remnants of breakfast were still in the kitchen and on the table (sad, I know!) He fussed uncharacteristically all the way through the morning dishes-- usually he loves to sit and watch me work and giggle at the bubbles-- he even fussed when I vacuumed up the remnants of the pancakes, one of his favorite tasks lately. He seemed so upset, but I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. He was jerking and jiggling and trying desperately to make me understand what it was that he was trying so hard to say. And then it hit me-- he wanted to continue to watch the leaves! I moved the porch bench away from the window and positioned him on our leather bench at the front window so he could watch while I worked. He googled and giggled and stared the morning away--literally. He sat there for a good hour, until the arrival of some of our friends finally distracted him enough to pull away. I've got an Autumn boy-- a miniature Thoreau... what a treat! I look forward to indulging his new interests and learning a lot along the way. Thank goodness for interesting morning and thank goodness for little friends who help us stop and remember that it is the little things, like a magical fall morning, that make life so very wonderful indeed.
Food, Friends, Make-up, and New Beginnings
Last night I hosted a little get together for a friend who sells Mary Kay. Now, don't panic. It wasn't one of those let's all sit around and listen for an hour then do our make-up in front of everyone high-pressure type of deals. No-- it was just a fun night with good music, great food, and good friends enjoying all our make-up purchases at 50% off all night! It was great.
Even better than the great purchases I made, I enjoyed the company of some of my nearest and dearest friends here in Kirksville. We had a great time gabbing late into the night. For the first time in weeks I didn't feel lonely as the minutes of the night crept later and later. It was nice. Anyway, during one of our many random conversations throughout the night we started talking about blogs and how many of my friends use their blogs as journals-- family history record keeping type places to keep a log of all things exciting in their lives. Many expressed that they use their blogs as an outlet to express themselves and even make sense of this crazy journey through life.
So-- I got to thinking about my below-par attempt at a blog I had begun er... let's just say several months previous. And, I decided that this is it. My new opportunity to do better. So... here goes! Thanks for the inspiration gals! :) I'll post some photos from our little get together last night and some of the yummy treats we served. It was a blast!
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